Friday, January 7, 2011

Art of Power Naps and the Demigod Narcissus

Meow! ‘Tis I, Jynx, the Sorcerer’s Cat, here to regale you with the scintillating wisdom of a feline genius, which is me - of course. Frater Barrabbas is off bumbling around somewhere so I decided to write up another article for your entertainment. Besides, I am sure that you need a break from Fr. B’s constant nattering and carping about this obscure occult topic or that.

It’s all so very boring sometimes - he spends all this time writing, researching and working magick when the solution is delicately purring in his lap. All it needs is a little bit of encouragement, such as some well earned and needed skirching and petting. Ah yes, that’s the ticket, especially for a freezing cold winter’s day. Nothing beats being curled up in your master’s lap and being properly attended to. I could do that all winter long, but my fidgety master (who has the attention span of a flea) would never be able to hold up his end of the bargain, so I get my attention whenever and wherever I can - sometimes with a vengeance!

Anyway, today’s first topic is the art and Zen of taking Power Naps, as sagely opined by a feline master. If you don’t know how to nap or that you think that you don’t need to take a nap as often as you’re able to get away with doing, then I feel really sorry for you. Nothing is more torturous or deadly for a cat than being afflicted with insomnia. Sleep is our panacea! I also really wonder at the wisdom of crashing and expending all of your need for sleep in one long duration, such as what my master and other humans seem to do. I think it’s a waste of a perfectly good spooky night to sleep eight hours during that optimal time, which in my not so humble opinion are the delicious dark early hours of the morning. If you want to amuse yourself, do mischief to others, create some fine toilet paper art or just perform some well needed acrobatic soul searching, then the wee hours are perfect. Often the baleful moon is shining and the night’s shadows are thick and lustrous with fascinatingly weird details. Too bad most humans are tucked away in their beds during that precious time of the morning.

Sometimes I will elegantly perch myself on my master’s bed and listen to him rattle the rafters with his raucous snoring. Ye gods, I am astonished that he doesn’t wake himself up and the whole household, too - no wonder he sleeps alone! We cats are very quiet sleepers, and we like to sleep in obvious places so we can be doted on and admired, and also places that are quite unexpected or even hidden away. I often look for new places to nap, especially places that will allow me to completely disappear for a while, hidden away in some obscure nook. It makes my master nervous if I am not around, and then he has to go looking for me - the sap! I know what I am doing, since I am, after all, a very independent minded cat. For a cat, napping is a natural art form, since we are nocturnal and also delight in the brilliant daylight, naps are quite necessary. However, for the sake of the unenlightened (human) I shall expound a bit on the wisdom of power napping.

First off, you have the right and the privilege to doze off whenever and wherever you please. It’s best to do this when things are slow and there isn’t much activity going around. You can find a comfortable place most anywhere, but the key is to center yourself, detach, curl up with nose and face obscured by a luxurious tail and seek a period of deep oblivion. Ignore everything and detach from everything. Nothing is important, pressing or thought provoking when you are seeking to tightly embrace Morpheus - the god that cats worship for the wonderful sleep that he gives us. The key is to find a place that has little to distract you, and then allocate a comfortable nook - be creative! All padded surfaces, if they are large enough and will support your weight, shall suffice for a temporary bed. Timing is important, too. Nothing is better than napping after eating and drinking a sumptuous feast of stolen pork and deliberately spilled cream (although half and half will do just fine).

Think of pleasant things that are completely free of stress - like chasing a falling leaf, playing with a ball of yarn, getting a cool drink from a sink or toilet, or feeling the warm rays of the sun caressing your thick fur coat. Imagine yourself being fed kitty bonbons, petted and cooed over by over fed human women with large pendulous breasts - sort of like a temple cat. That image usually puts me into a deep but brief coma every time! The key is to detach from all your troubles and not care a fig for anything or anyone, at least just for that moment as sleep embraces you. Hmmm, I almost feel the urge to nap right here on the key board - but I will pass on the opportunity, this time!

Now that you know some of the important tips about how cats take power naps, and that we have a secret god named Morpheus that we open ourselves to whenever we seek a deep and sustaining nap, I can only tell you that you must practice, practice, practice! These things are not easily learned by most humans, so work at it until it becomes nearly instinctual. You will discover that all of the important things associated with the human rat race are actually completely irrelevant and meaningless. Instead, you will learn the value of getting lots of rest and being awake at the oddest of times, just like a cat. You will also be stress free and will live well past a hundred years, which will allow you to house and care for nearly ten generations of feline friends. Of course, these habits will not endear you to other humans, but you can expect a lot of jealousy from those who are still chasing all those imaginary rats out there.

Now on to the second topic! I also wanted to share some deep wisdom with you that is an essential part of the mystique of being a cat in a human world. I know that many of you are religious, go to religious services, pray to some unidentifiable deity who never seems to listen or care. You engage in various supposed magick rites, but the gods seem to either find you incredibly hilarious, or they’re just bored to tears by your presumptuous ignorance. Don’t get me wrong, because I am totally on your side. Who needs all of those gods, goddesses, religions, magick and mysticism? Trust me when I say that they don’t amount to much of anything! I am trying to tell you what’s really important here - YOU ARE IMPORTANT! That’s right, you are “numero uno,” just like I am “numero uno” to me. You want to see the truly great and important god who really cares about you and wants to help you in every way imaginable? Then just look at your reflection in the mirror - behold, the true God, who made you in his image! That’s right, you are God. Of course, I know that I am God, and I am certain that every other cat thinks he or she is God as well. All are God, but all of the others are irrelevant except the God that you are (or I am).

What I am trying to say is that all of us cats have completely figured out the god-thing so very long ago. We realized that we were god, not all of us collectively, but each of us singularly. I worship the god who is myself, and if I can get others to worship that god that I am, then all the better. However, other cats know that they are god and that my god is false, because there can only be one god, who is the god of your reflection. So the real deity and religion of all cats is of the demigod called Narcissus. He looks into the reflecting pool and sees his own image, and knows that it must be a god that he is looking at, and falls in love with it. This story doesn’t have an unhappy ending though, at least not in the mythology of cats. To us cats it does have a happy ending, you see, because all of a sudden everyone else discovers that the reflection of Narcissus is the real and true god, and they in turn love and worship it as well. Everyone gets what they are looking for, and everyone is happy. Nice ending.

So that’s the mystery of why cats are so in love with themselves. It’s because they know that they alone are god, and their mission is to convince everyone else of that basic truth. They do this by being smug, cute, catlike, independent and a total slut for loving attention, food, caresses, and warm bodies to lie upon. They purr to sedate the masses, look at their victims upside down with large glassy eyes half closed and seem to be forever smiling. Knowledge of godhood makes a cat behave the way it does. Now that you know, you, too, can try to get the world to acknowledge your exclusive godhead. You may only succeed in convincing a few folks of this profound truth, but that should suffice. Just get them to love and support you unconditionally, and you will find complete and total fulfillment. A great witch once said, “Be happy, and that is the truth!”  He must have either been part cat or discovered the secret of the god cat Narcissus.

Well, that’s all of the cat wisdom that I think you can stand for the time being, so I believe that I shall saunter off and find a nice obscure place to nap. Just don’t tell Fr. B. where I am sleeping - I like to keep him guessing.

Jynx, the Sorcerer’s Cat

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