The Lonely Path: All substance and no bling.
Now that I am going to conventions again, and will be attending at least two of them next year, I can say honestly that I don’t stick out in the crowd of Witches and Pagans that gather to attend these events. I feel at home with the folks who are attending, but I don’t appear to be impressive or socially outgoing to their eyes. Even though I now have over twelve books that will be published and in print by May of next year, I don’t get noticed much and I can walk the convention hallways as an anonymous individual. My books contain a lot of advanced lore, but I have also published a book for beginners, so I have covered all of the bases. I am, as you may know, a deep and detailed writer and my magical tech is outside the spectrum of what many others are writings books about. I am, in a word, all substance and no bling. Like a really good occult book, the cover is bland, careworn, and unassuming, but the contents are quite controversial and highly useful.
Going against the grain has been something of a personal point of pride for me, and I can say that I have certainly mellowed over the decades. When I was a young man, I thrived on following a different path, and it seemed almost kind of defiant in how I expressed it. While I have steadfastly followed my own internal spiritual and magical directives regardless of what was popular or exciting at the time, I have often found myself alone on my path. I have no regrets about this state, since that is the only thing I know how to do. While others bask in the lime light of pagan and wiccan notoriety, I have quietly continued the work, advancing my lore from one ordeal to another, following a path that has taken decades to materialize. Some of these famous folks shine at events, even sparkle, and stand out from the crowd of feral or gothic looking pagans and witches. Yet I am hardly noticed, and in some way, I find that delicious.
At one time, many years ago, I sought that kind of attention from my peers, but I seldom achieved it. I was never good at acting or pretending to be someone that I wasn’t, and I was a poor deceiver, story-teller and liar, so I gave up trying that approach in my early twenties. I learned to be just myself, and that seemed to make my life a lot less dramatic and complicated. Over time, I learned to prefer a peaceful life devoid of people who seemed to love drama and conflict. I saw it as a distraction, and ultimately found ways of removing people like that from my life. Trust me when I say there seemed to be a lot of drama queens and kings in my pagan and wiccan life even as few as fifteen years ago, but happily, those people are completely gone from my life.
When I encountered other seekers, I would share what I knew with them, but only if they asked me. I felt that it was important to mind my own business, and that everyone had a right to their path and process. I believed that it was wrong to intervene in someone’s life unless they asked me to intervene. I had no secret, hidden agenda and I wasn’t looking to gain anything from them, nor did I seek to selfishly get something for myself. I was not looking to exploit anyone or get rich and famous through my contacts. I had a good job and was comfortably well-off, so I had no need to slavishly promote myself as a teacher or someone famous and unique. I just continued to do that work, and in the last few years, I developed a talent to organize my magical technology and write it up into books. Just a decade ago, I would not have been able to write books like I am able to do now. I learned that skill because my Gods and Goddesses expected me to share my knowledge with the public so that I might add, even in a small way, to the overall lore available to those who might find it important and useful - whoever they might be.
Please don’t misunderstand me. There are individuals out there in our community who have a great wealth of knowledge and experience, and who effectively teach their lore to others. Some of them are popular and well known, others, not so much. However, these same individuals are promoting a fairly deep and advanced spiritual and magical perspective. Like me, they are path-finders and those who have passed on new and creative approaches, vitalizing our heritage as witches, pagans and ritual magicians. If you are one of these people, there is no need for me to identify you, since your work alone stands as a source of wisdom for many people. I believe that I am one of these people, but we are often overlooked because we appear bland and mundane, or odd and strange in an unappealing manner. We are not attractive, stylish, socially graced or sometimes, even noticeable. Still, we are the quiet ones in the background, but we have knowledge, gifts, visions and insights that make the flashy big name pagans or witches seem shallow and without substance by comparison.
When I was young, I was an overly self-conscious, insecure, occult nerd who was never included as one of the beautiful or popular people. In high school and college, I was such an odd-ball that in many cases, I was actually socially shunned. I wanted to be one of the beautiful people and shine and sparkle in people’s eyes, but the truth is that I was plain, socially awkward, and I appeared least likely to be a success by my peers. When I attempted to be flamboyant, I was more a topic of derision and laughter. While my childhood was difficult, my adulthood was even more difficult. Over time I gave up any pretensions or ego-based promotions and settled down to a decades long path of magical development. I was a seriously boring person, except to a few who actually saw any value in the magical work that I was performing.
When I first started to write books, and had published two, “Disciple’s Guide to Ritual Magick” and “Mastering the Art of Ritual Magick” I decided to engage through the internet with my supposed peer group. The actual magical lore that I was working at the time was quite advanced, such as the Abramelin Lunar Ordeal, but at this stage of my writing career I was not able to write about those advanced topics because my writing skills were poor. Besides, I felt that I needed to set some kind of foundation for how I worked magic so that the public would be able to understand the more complex workings that I was actually engaged in at that time.
I found myself involved in a great deal of controversy, arguments, back-stabbing, even name calling. I had unwittingly gotten involved with David Griffin and that opened the door to all kinds of crazy interactions with folks. This kind of nonsense reached a kind of apex when it became apparent to me that engaging with DG and his version of the Golden Dawn was a great mistake. He was not the master he thought himself to be, he was quite delusional and aggressive towards his peers and even his supposed allies.
Once I broke all ties with him, things became peaceful again, and I realized that not being in the midst of controversy was actually a blessing. I have taken this as a great object lesson and I have moved forward from those times with a hard won wisdom. What I learned was simple, it was actually better to not be too well known and famous because it invited a lot drama and assignations with people I would rather not be socially involved with.
I moved away from the Twin Cities and its burgeoning pagan and occult population to settle in Richmond, Virginia, and then a year later, Covid struck and I became completely isolated. During that time of very limited contact with people, which has only ended last year, I managed to write eight books. What that tells me is that getting too engaged with the public is probably a distraction that I don’t need, but being isolated is not a good option either. So, I am gradually becoming more accessible, going to conventions, giving classes and writing articles, but the period of isolation has done its trick, since I am out of the limited limelight that I had been exposed to back several years ago. I have found that I have more time, peacefulness, and the ability to pick and choose where I go and with whom I engage.
I have witnessed what notoriety is like, and I have seen the presumptuousness and ego trips of various big name pagans and witches over the decades. I am glad that I can say that I am not a member of that group. I prefer the solitude of my life and the ability to work without having to respond to various critics or arm-chair witches, pagans or ceremonial magicians. I have happily left that behind, but I still continue to do the work. There are more books to write and lore to share with whoever finds it useful or helpful, and there are new areas to research and explore. I have a full life, but I don’t have to answer to my fans or my foes, and that is the secret to my happiness and fulfillment.
Frater Barrabbas
